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Saturday, 08 June 2013
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Wow time is flying
It's been years since I have been on here or even thought about it but... for some reason it passed my mind and I had a huge urge to reconnect with the past. Although so much time has passed a part of me still feels trapped in the past. In some ways I have grown so much... yet in others I have been frozen ... consumed by fear... stiff ... unable to move. Those parts of myself hold me back... immobilize me... yet I grasp hard afraid to let them go... afraid of what that would mean. I cling tight to fear and pain as if somehow it can save me from future occurrence of it. I have come so far yet I'm stuck in a twisted paradox. I have accomplished so much yet so little... I have gone so far yet nowhere at all. The question is what to do now... how do I move forward once and for all. I grasp so tight to the past that it's burned deep within me. I don't know how to open my fist and release it. How do I set it free... it molded me... shaped me into who I am today... yet it no longer serves me, instead I am it's slave. I'm shackled to it, it controls me. I don't see him for who he is... I see him for who he was. I don't see his sincerity I see my fear... my childish selfish fear. I was granted a opportunity to work through it ... to erase my attachment to it... and I'm going to take it. Who knows what will come of it... perhaps part of my attachment is based around all that we had to overcome... if that is no longer relevant... does that mean he is no longer relevant. I refuse to cling to that possible reality... yet it's a possibility all the same. So much time has passed by yet so much remains the same.
Saturday, 06 March 2010
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Ambivalent Daydreams
I'm feeling so torn and ambivalent... I'm not sure how I should feel. Last week I was so sad, so lonely. All I wanted to do was see him. That's all I wanted. I was willing to fall behind in my studies at the chance of seeing him. That's not like me. I hold my education above all, that's my way of betting myself in my life. That's my way to rise above. Finally I was feeling better after hours of crying for days. Even after I got to see him I cried when he left. I felt like I was someone else. Somehow things changed now he's allowed at my house again on the weekend and I'm allowed over there. I was so happy my heart was fluttering, I just felt at peace.
Now I'm confused I thought we had plans. I called him shortly after I got home to verify them, he told me he was going out for awhile. I called at 5 it's now after midnight. I don't know how to feel. I'm hurt but I'm afraid to be. I'm afraid to feel strongly again. I am not a person that emotionally depends on guys... I never have been... I don't know what happened to me. I don't feel like how I felt last week nothing like that... I'm just questioning was it worth it?
Was it? I cried my heart out from lack of seeing him... and now that we can see each other and we have plans he vanishes. I'm honestly confused, he was exited that I cared so much, and devastated that I wanted to see him free. Now this? I though it would be better for us to separate because my emotions were so strong... I didn't want to hold him back... I didn't want to bring a strong level of guilt into our relationship. I thought it would be better. But now this... not even a call. I don't know if I should be worried, pissed... sad. I feel them all, but I'm afraid to feel them... I mean really feel them. I'm just afraid.
Emotions they scare me, they can just be so powerful... I use to do everything in my power to avoid emotion... anything to numb out... even if it meant almost dying and at the time it was worth it. Now I'm stuck with emotion and I don't know what to do with it. I try to shove it down but it just bounces back up eventually. I'm a bit lost. i would think this should be an exiting thing... you know I mean he can finally stay over again. I beautiful though.... could he be testing me? I just don't understand. If I were feeling how I was before this would be incredibly cruel. Really this would be torcherous (I don't know for to spell it) I just think this is a bit cruel seeing as how much i was looking forward to it.
Perhaps I have been forgotten... I just don't want to deal with emotions right now... I don't want to be sad... I don't really want to feel anything. I'm afraid that I can't handle emotions. Right now I have no outlets or ways to get them out. I wonder if we should have broken up... I don't think he takes me seriously...
Healing it's a long process, but it's a beautiful thing. Like being reborn into a new person.... all this emotion gives me a chance to heal... but I don't know if I want to go there I just don't know. I don't want people to make things more complicated for me right now because i am hurting. I cry a lot and I don't need people to intensify it. It makes me feel powerless and alone. I am alone... Perhaps that is where I should stay. I want to get out there and make new friends but friends I have had hurt me... I don't really want to move on without her... I feel like I'm leaving her behind... I miss her.
I think I will at least give him a call, but then again I would rather not verify that he has forgotten about me or found something better to do. I hope these feeling pass... before his opinion of me changes... before my opinion on me changes and I hope he's okay.
Somehow this was a big misunderstanding....
Thursday, 11 February 2010
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Dark Waters
Stress it's like a slow cancer. It starts out minor but it grows and grows till it swallows you one square inch at a time. you don't move you don't fight back, you are entranced by the pain, the sensation of slowly being devoured. I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm drowning myself. I can't swim, I think I'm over my head. I struggle ever so slightly and it pulls me down faster. I'm suffocating no air lungs full of water, but I just can't give in.
Am I the only one that feels this way. Is this what the world is made of. Just when you get what you want, maybe what you need you desperately want what you had. I'm just not sure of myself anymore. I have always liked the fact that I stand on my own two feet. I'm independent in a way, an individual... I love people while still maintaining a little safety wall. I know what happens when people get to attached. i know what it's like to have a life in my hand. Where any little move on my part feels like it determines there fate. I never wanted to be that.
I never want to be that. I'm the girl that needs space, needs breathing room. Time to herself, to understand her motivations and inner workings. Slowly I got that time, and more of it and more of it. Now we go to different schools, now we live different lives and only have the weekend if that... and I miss him like crazy. Too much really, I'm not use to this longing. I have all the time in the world to study now... but that's it. I lost my best friend to a cult, we almost never talk. Other best friends were boyfriends ex-boyfriends and we don't talk. My remaining to two close female friends are very busy. My closest guy friend aside from my boyfriend see's my boyfriend about ten times more then I do. I think I feel alone.
Everyone is moving on and moving forward... I am to, I'm at a new school... but I feel so detached from the rest of the world. I still have no balance and I still don't know how to get it. I don't know what I want anymore
BUT... I do know I need to drag myself out of these waters, clear my lungs and speak up. I got to figure this all out and hold my head high until I understand what needs to be done and how to fix this.
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
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Kicking up the dust.
Footsteps of the past have been swept up along with the dust in this room. I found a cd I personally destroyed years ago as a method of closure, to let go and let someone else in. Then I find a ten page letter to my sister from that very person I eventually let in. I let him in... I loved him, my best friend, lover at the time and nicest guy in the world. He had a huge heart so full of love and passion. I was afraid to date him, because to date him was to lose him in the end. Some people are just to GOOD to lose. Some people make you a better person just by being around them. They help you believe in yourself because you look so good in their eyes. He believed I could do anything I want to. He helped me believe that, and now it's true. With out his faith in me I don't think I would be where I am. The best friend a person could ever have. The short amount of time I knew him changed who I am.
The point is I knew if we got into relationship one day it would end and we would lose each other. That day came eventually. Eventually I lost my best friend.
I'm going to go listen to the cd think and clean more.
More needs to be said... but this is all I have for now
Sunday, 13 December 2009
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A must
Oh I just had to steal this! Most of everything I have seen on this list it very funny or cute in some way. I think it's important to surround yourself in humor and feel good moments no matter what shape they come in. So yeah check it out.........
Greg Rutter's Definitive List of 99 Things You Should Have Already Experienced On the Internet
(made into a survey by teacup_surveys)
Bold what you've seen.
1. Grape Stomp.
2. Charlie Bit Me.
3. Chocolate Rain.
4. Dancing Baby.
5. Post Secret.
6. Charlie the Unicorn.
7. Mentos and Diet Coke.
8. Numa Numa.
9. Peanut Butter Jelly Time.
10. George Lucas in Love.
11. You're the Man Now Dog.
12. Yatta.
13. Star Wars Kid.
14. Bubb Rubb.
15. The Flying Spaghetti Monster.
16. Dramatic Chipmunk.
17. Homestar Runner.
18. G.I. Joe Pork Chop Sandwiches.
19. Fail Blog. : )
20. Skateboarding Dog.
21. All Your Base Are Belong to Us.
22. Winnebago Man.
23. We Like the Moon.
24. I Can Has Cheezburger.
25. Barney vs. Tupac.
26. Shining.
27. Cute Overload.
28. Rick Roll.
29. Lazy Sunday.
30. David After the Dentist.
31. Powerthirst.
32. Christian the Lion.
33. Bert and Ernie Rap.
34. Lady Punch.
35. Leprechaun in Alabama.
36. Where the Hell is Matt.
37. Boom Goes the Dynamite.
38. Breakdancing Baby.
39. Drunk Jeff Goldblum.
40. Scarlet Takes a Tumble.
41. Susan Boyle.
42. Gay Mount Everest.
43. Afro Ninja.
44. Cop Shoots Himself in Leg in Classroom.
45. Tron Guy.
46. "Leave Britney Alone."
47. Laughing Baby.
48. I'm the Juggernaut Bitch.
49. Exploding Whale.
50. Take On Me the Literal Version.
51. Bill O' Reilly Flips Out.
52. Don't Tase Me Bro.
53. The Landlord.
54. Breakdancing Baby Kick.
55. The Pet Penguin.
56. Ms. South Carolina Answers a Question.
57. I'm Fucking Matt Damon.
58. Will It Blend.
59. Spaghetti Cat.
60. Tom Cruise Kills Oprah.
61. Little Superstar.
62. Chad Vader.
63. Pretty Much Everywhere It's Going to be Hot.
64. I Like Turtles.
65. Who Needs a Movie.
66. Jake E. Lee Shreds.
67. Hawaii Chair.
68. Aussie Party.
69. Hitler Plans Burning Man.
70. Montgomery Flee Market.
71. Look at the Horse.
72. Asian Backstreet Boys.
73. Leroy Jenkins.
74. Pinky the Cat.
75. Monkey Sniffs Finger.
76. Sneezing Panda. <3 <3 I adore this go check it out!
77. Prison Inmates Remake "Thriller."
78. Techno Viking.
79. Ask a Ninja.
80. Best Man Trips and Ruins Wedding.
81. Best Wedding Toast Ever (Amy's Song).
82. Kitten Surprise (How to Break Up a Cat Fight).
83. Katana Sword Infomercial Goes Wrong.
84. Matrix Ping Pong.
85. La Penguena Prohibida.
86. Angry German Kid.
87. Evolution of Dance.
88. OK Go "Here It Goes Again."
89. Battle at Kruger (Lions vs. Buffaloes vs. Crocodiles).
90. Daft Hands.
91. Human Beatbox.
92. Most T-Shirts Worn at Once.
93. Zero G Dog.
94. Cuppy Cakes Song.
95. George Washington.
96. Scary Maze Prank.
97. Gay Referee.
98. Tranquilized Bear Hits Trampoline.
99. Reporter Gets a Fly in the Mouth.
As you can see there is tons of stuff I have yet to see. I kept the numbers bold for the answers of the person I got this from.
Although there is a lot of great stuff on the internet there is also a ton of stuff out there that will offend people after all it's the internet. So watch at your own risk. Just don't limit yourself to the point that you are afraid to explore. Have fun!
~Jess~
ForbiddenIllusion
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- Name: Jessica
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 6/17/2008
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I'd always wanted to be more then just a pretty face.
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Thought everyone one should know I moved over to TUMBLR, if any of you also have one let me know... I won't be around here much.
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You can't make someone love you with a song
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