I'm feeling so torn and ambivalent... I'm not sure how I should feel. Last week I was so sad, so lonely. All I wanted to do was see him. That's all I wanted. I was willing to fall behind in my studies at the chance of seeing him. That's not like me. I hold my education above all, that's my way of betting myself in my life. That's my way to rise above. Finally I was feeling better after hours of crying for days. Even after I got to see him I cried when he left. I felt like I was someone else.  Somehow things changed now he's allowed at my house again on the weekend and I'm allowed over there. I was so happy my heart was fluttering, I just felt at peace.

Now I'm confused I thought we had plans. I called him shortly after I got home to verify them, he told me he was going out for awhile. I called at 5 it's now after midnight. I don't know how to feel. I'm hurt but I'm afraid to be. I'm afraid to feel strongly again. I am not a person that emotionally depends on guys... I never have been... I don't know what happened to me. I don't feel like how I felt last week nothing like that... I'm just questioning was it worth  it?


Was it? I cried my heart out from lack of seeing him... and now that we can see each other and we have plans he vanishes. I'm honestly confused, he was exited that I cared so much, and devastated that I wanted to see him free. Now this? I though it would be better for us to separate because my emotions were so strong... I didn't want to hold him back... I didn't want to bring a strong level of guilt into our relationship. I thought it would be better. But now this... not even a call. I don't know if I should be worried, pissed... sad. I feel them all, but I'm afraid to feel them... I mean really feel them. I'm just afraid.

Emotions they scare me, they can just be so powerful... I use to do everything in my power to avoid emotion... anything to numb out... even if it meant almost dying and at the time it was worth it. Now I'm stuck with emotion and I don't know what to do with it. I try to shove it down but it just bounces back up eventually. I'm a bit lost. i would think this should be an exiting thing... you know I mean he can finally stay over again. I beautiful though.... could he be testing me? I just don't understand. If I were feeling how I was before this would be incredibly cruel. Really this would be torcherous  (I don't know for to spell it) I just think this is a bit cruel seeing as how much i was looking forward to it.

Perhaps I have been forgotten... I just don't want to deal with emotions right now... I don't want to be sad... I don't really want to feel anything. I'm afraid that I can't handle emotions. Right now I have no outlets or ways to get them out. I wonder if we should have broken up... I don't think he takes me seriously...

Healing it's a long process, but it's a beautiful thing. Like being reborn into a new person.... all this emotion gives me a chance to heal... but I don't know if I want to go there I just don't know. I don't want people to make things more complicated for me right now because i am hurting. I cry a lot and I don't need people to intensify it. It makes me feel powerless and alone. I am alone... Perhaps that is where I should stay. I want to get out there and make new friends but friends I have had hurt me... I don't really want to move on without her... I feel like I'm leaving her behind... I miss her.


I think I will at least give him a call, but then again I would rather not verify that he has forgotten about me or found something better to do. I hope these feeling pass... before his opinion of me changes... before my opinion on me changes and I hope he's okay.


 


Somehow this was a big misunderstanding....

Footsteps of the past have been swept up along with the dust in this room. I found a cd I personally destroyed years ago as a method of closure, to let go and let someone else in. Then I find a ten page letter to my sister from that very person I eventually let in. I let him in... I loved him, my best friend, lover at the time and nicest guy in the world.  He had a huge heart so full of love and passion. I was afraid to date him, because to date him was to lose him in the end. Some people are just to GOOD to lose. Some people make you a better person just by being around them. They help you believe in yourself because you look so good in their eyes. He believed I could do anything I want to. He helped me believe that, and now it's true. With out his faith in me I don't think I would be where I am. The best friend a person could ever have. The short amount of time I knew him changed who I am.

The point is I knew if we got into  relationship one day it would end and we would lose each other. That day came eventually. Eventually I lost my best friend.


I'm going to go listen to the cd think and clean more.


More needs to be said... but this is all I have for now

What am I defined by a ghost smile,
miles of thread that hold me together
a shred of hope and broken desire.
uncertainty the last surrender.
shattered reflections of foggy memoirs.

Who am I a girl that cries in corners
hides under beds
full of fear and wonder
locked in a closet
praying for those words still unsaid.

Who is that girl with the broken grin
dancing in circles trapped within
who is that ghost in the mirror
a glimpse of who I would have been.

I am a paradox
shrouded by smiles and tears
torn straight up the center
of happy and sad.


and I am waiting...


12/07/09

I guess I can still write, what a relief ! This just came to me 9:52p.m I needed to write, now that I have I can talk to him :) I love him, and I just need to open myself up... I just hate being vulnerable, it must be the scariest feeling in the world. 


~Jess~